Sporting NFL Many Happy Returns But Not for Detroi

The return man must first show no regard for his own health, or for his anatomy as God originally designed it. He must have the gene of a skydiver who knows his chute was put together by gorillas, yet decides to jump out of the plane anyway.
In 2001 an affiliated minor league, the National Basketball Development League, now called the NFL Development League or D League was created. Before the league was started,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], there were strong rumors that the NFL would purchase the CBA,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and call it its developmental league, as the Continental Basketball Association was its minor league affiliate for years. 20 percent of NFL players spent time in this league and over 143 players have been called up to play in the NFL. Lem Barney, who was Deion Sanders BEFORE Deion Sanders A. MesserschmidtIn 2004 the Lakers returned to the Finals,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], only to fall in five games to the Detroit Pistons. The following off season, Kobe was traded to the Miami Heat, and the Charlotte Bobcats were established as the league 30th team. The Spurs won their third championship in 2005.
First, let me say that I know it’s not a job for the faint of heart,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or for anyone who prefers his body with all his bones connected and his stuffing inside, where it belongs.
Train A and Train B collide, and the Pinball tries to slither through the mayhem and emerge intact. Sometimes he does and he’s the one sprinting toward the end zone, running as if his pants are on fire.
So that’s the kickoff.
In 2010, there’s a new kid back there fielding kickoffs. His name is Stefan Logan and he’s the size of a matchbox. Maybe the Lions are hoping it’ll be 20 yards before anyone finds him, let alone tackles him.

After he catches the football, the punt returner has less than a second, roughly, to figure out where the heck he wants to take it. He is charged with finding holes through which to run, in a split second with 10 screaming banshees running down the field hoping to place him in an NFL Films highlight reel for the ages.

It’s no wonder that you so often see the punt returner actually run backwards initially, toward his own end zone. Call it survival instinct.
It gets worse.
In the 1990s, the Lions had Mel Gray, who was the only return man I’ve seen who was made of mercury. In six seasons with the Lions (1989-94), Gray took seven kicks back for touchdowns, including three kickoffs in ’94 alone.

The kicking team races as fast as it can down the field, after getting a running start before the kicker’s foot even connects with the ball. We’ll call them Train A.
It’s not an easy gig, by any means. Yet, I find it incumbent to complain about the lack of quality return specialists employed by the Detroit Lions since the 21st century began.

It takes a different type of man to agree to return punts and kickoffs. And when I say different, I mean totally nuts, cuckoo, off his rocker, stark raving mad.
I know it’s a job that must have originally been given to the loser of a bet, or to the last man to arrive at the field before kickoff.

But the Lions used to have some great return men.
There isn’t anything quite like it in sport, returning kicks, unless you’re going to count being a tennis ball, a hockey puck, or anything else that gets smashed and smacked around a playing surface.

The punt return man is often not the same as the kickoff return man, because usually he’s even crazier.
NFL punters are trained to boot the football high and far. While the rest of his teammates practice real football, the punter spends hours doing nothing but kicking footballs high and far. The higher and farther, the better.

The return man catches the football and aims to go from zero to 60 in less than five seconds. We’ll call him the Pinball.

Let’s take kickoffs, or as they could otherwise be called, Human Demolition Derbies.

I’ve always wanted to know what’s going through a punt returner’s mind as he waits for the football to fall from the sky, knowing what awaits him after he catches it.

Logan had one decent return last Sunday,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], just before halftime—and just before the ill-fated sack of QB Matthew Stafford. Beyond that, he didn’t show me much.

Especially higher.

It didn’t used to be that way. In fact, even when the Lions were bad before Matt Millen (and they were), at least we had kick returns to look forward to.
None of them have, for more than a decade now. The NFL originated in 1946 with 11 teams, and through a sequence of team expansions, reductions, and relocations currently consists of 30 teams. The United States is home to 29 teams and one is located in USA. The Boston Bruins have won the most championships with 17 NFL Finals wins. The next most successful franchise is the Los Angeles Lakers, who have 16 overall championships 11 in Los Angeles, 5 in Minneapolis,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], including the most recent one. Following the Lakers are the Chicago Bulls with six championships, all of them over an eight year span during the 1990s, and the San Antonio Spurs with four championships.
You don’t have to tell me that returning kicks in the NFL is sport’s version of Russian Roulette.

After Gray came Milburn, who wasn’t quite as effective as Gray, but who was a legitimate threat to break free.
But most times he gets clobbered by the effects of the wreckage from Train A and Train B colliding, and he’ll be the one planted into the turf somewhere near the 20 yard line.
Some of the most electrifying kick returners in NFL history have worn the Lions’ colors.
Barney played into the 1970s,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], dazzling us with return feats of amazement.
That was a long time ago.

The higher the kicked ball, the more “hang time” it has, the more time the punter’s 10 comrades on the field have to think of how hard they’re going to blast the returner.

I’m well aware that the return man is a staph infection, and the 11 men on the kicking team are penicillin.
But my crabbing isn’t solely done just to vent or to be contrary. There is a distinct cause and effect between the Lions’ return game and their overall lack of success.

Punt returning is a similar joke. With the Lions’ return men of late, a fair catch is a victory.
The return team chugs ahead, sometimes joining hands—perhaps for comfort and support—and strives to gain momentum. We’ll call them Train B.
In the 2000s, the Lions have been returning kicks politely. Their return men frequently collapse to the ground easily. They’ve been as elusive as a turtle, and as slippery as flypaper.

The punt returner can’t do a damn thing until the football falls into his arms after its high, far journey through the air. The thundering herd of kicking team members can be heard and felt, yet all the punt return man can do is wait for the football and say some Novenas.
So you see, I know it’s not the most desirable of vocations. Returning kicks is like jaywalking at the Indianapolis 500.

The Lions start every possession in bad field position, it seems. They haven’t had anyone who can move the ball north of the 20 yard line on kickoffs with any consistency since slippery eels like Glyn Milburn and Mel Gray wore Honolulu Blue and Silver.
Here’s why the punt returner is even more looney tunes than the kickoff return guy.

In the 1960s, there was Bobby Williams and Lem Barney, who was Deion Sanders before Deion was out of diapers.
The return man knows he has 11 men trying to get on SportsCenter and trying to impress coaches—all they have to do is clean his clock with a hit designed to knock the wind out of his body and halfway to Timbuktu.
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